Christmas Lights

I almost was sick when I logged in and saw my last post was January 13, 2010. There have been so many amazing, exciting, trying and exhausting moments this year that I could have recorded. But, always wanting to do things all the way or not at all I have postponed them until I had time to sit in the office and upload pictures with them, update my profile photo, compose a sonnet or whatever other rubbish I tell myself. The reality is that I will never be a journal-er so if I wanted to remember some of the millions of precious moments that are flying by so fast I should just jot down my thoughts at the end of the day as I sit watching silly (or sometimes good) TV because I'm too tired to contemplate going upstairs and brushing my teeth so I can go to sleep like I should.

I had one of those moments tonight that made me so profoundly grateful and humbled that I had to commit it to e-paper because I never want to forget it.

Logan and Lila had some friends from the neighborhood over to play today and had so much fun that they took a rare and extra long afternoon nap. (4:15-6:45). Don't judge me! I know I shouldn't let them sleep that late but I was getting the house so clean. Tom was super busy and had brought home work and so it was just me and them hanging out for a little bit before they were settled down to go to bed again. They were getting a restless and so I suggested we go to the top of our stairs and look out the big window and look at the lights of the houses across the street. There are only a couple so Lila who is talking like crazy now quickly got bored and said "I awnt mow." I tried to point out the next house down but she wasn't buying it and said " I awnt mow mommie. I awnt to go in de caw. They Pitty."

I thought, I want to show them more too and given that it was her first multi sentence request who could turn a girl down? So I said "you want to go in the car and see more?" when their little heads nodded I said "OK, let's go." and we just headed for the car PJ's and all (including me.) They just lit up. There are a lot of no's when you are 20 months and don't touch that's, stop pulling your sister's hair, etc. It is so nice to just say yes when I can.

We drove around our neighborhood for a bit and they were plenty impressed by that but they still wanted "mow" so we drove to the neighborhood next-door. There are quite a few houses that really go all out. I am a total sucker for Christmas lights, always have been. We found a cul-de-sac that had music broadcasting and all the houses decked out in sync. I pulled over, found the station and just sat with them and watched. As we listened to "The Prince of Peace" by Trans-Siberian Orchestra I teared up and just couldn't stop thinking how this is what I have always wanted. The small moments like this to share the joy of Christmas lights with my two beautiful babies as they oohed and awed and pointed. I turned around to look at Logan and he kept telling me "look" but I just wanted to see the looks on their faces.

How crazy is it to think that two years ago during this time of year I held my breath between every ultra-sound and prayed that they would just be OK. That we could just meet our babies and take them home. I was terrified and elated all the time. How short sighted I can be. I know I'm not the only Mom that groans at the thought of cleaning the smashed eggs off the floor one more time at 0-dark hundred or has to take deep breaths when their toddlers put their yogurt covered bowls on their faces and ruin freshly bathed hair. I tell Jen all the time I feel like I'm failing when yet one more time I snap at them out of frustration, but I do know one thing. I pray every day, that for them the moments like this will make up for the times I am a less than stellar mother. It more than makes up for the times I think to myself "I don't know if I can do this." They are more precious than sleep or sanity.